You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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