My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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