he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
