btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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