I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
