good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
