Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
