I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
