Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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