it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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