guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
