You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
