Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
