You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
