We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
