I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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