How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
