so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
