Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
