I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
