When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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