Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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