Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
