I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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