i think my tv is drunk
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
