i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Randomize
