There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
