im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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