my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
