Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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