My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
