god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
