I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Randomize
