I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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