His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
