But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
