Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
i've created a new STD.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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