Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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