Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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