I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
