Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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