I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
