we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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