So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
