I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Dick very happy bro
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
