Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
