I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
