I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
