So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
