did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
